Sally: Hi Joe. Are you coming to my Wendy’s wedding?
Joe: Oh, I’m sorry Sally, I’m unable to make that. I was about to send you back the RSVP letting you know.
Sally: Oh, no! You have an emergency?
Joe: No. It’s that Wendy is a baptized Catholic, which means that if she “marries” outside the authority of the Church it’s an invalid marriage.
Sally: That’s why you’re not coming? Come on, don’t let your religion get in the way of family. She’s your niece! You two were so close while she was growing up.
Joe: I know. That’s what makes this difficult. But I can’t celebrate something I believe to be false. A baptized Catholic, even if a lapsed one, must follow canon law with a priest or deacon present in order to be married.
Sally: But they don’t believe that. Look, at least they’re making a commitment, right? I don’t share your level of faith, but isn’t that worth celebrating?
Joe: Since it’s not a marriage, they are unwittingly committing to a life of fornication. A Catholic who “marries” outside the authority Christ has bestowed on His Church is not married: It’s not a civil marriage, or a partial marriage, or a particular kind of marriage. It’s a non-marriage.
Sally: That’s your belief, not theirs. And even some clergy say it’s okay to attend those weddings.
Joe: The official teaching is that any form of marriage outside the Church for a baptized Catholic is null and void. What isn’t officially taught is how best to communicate this effectively to the Catholic parties involved so that they might eventually come to accept this truth of their faith. Probably in 99% of the cases, attending a faux wedding communicates some level of acceptance. That’s not good for anyone.
Sally: They believe it’s a marriage, though. Isn’t that enough for you?
Joe: I see it as similar to calling a man a woman because he identifies as a woman. He genuinely believes it and expects me to refer to him with she/her pronouns. But it would be wrong for me to participate in any way with his sincere self-deception. Even if people are sincere, we must never support or participate in a falsehood.
Sally: But this is different.
Joe: How?
Sally: You’re a rare breed. Hundreds of people will be attending this wedding, and many of them are Catholic. Not only do they believe it’s a real wedding, but the state also recognizes it as such.
Joe: Your argument is that since so many people see something a certain way it must be true? Remember that the crowds chose Barabbas to be freed instead of Jesus (Lk 23:18). And the authorities at the time were among them. Going through with this ceremony will leave Sally and Jeff unable to receive the Eucharist and unable to become a godparent one day, among other things. It effectively digs a much deeper chasm between them and God that might be extremely difficult to remedy in the future, if they happen to have a change of heart. I can’t celebrate that. In fact, I would be sinning if I did.
Sally: Joe, I understand your Catholic faith. I grew up Catholic. But don’t you think God understands? Sally and Jeff are great kids.
Joe: Sadly, your statement illustrates you don’t understand the Catholic faith you were given. None of us are good people. We’re all born alienated from God due to original sin, and have personally sinned after Baptism. Regardless of how ‘good’ or nice we are to others, sin is so grievous that we have merited an eternity of Hell. Only the grace won for us on the cross can make us good, to be in a state of grace, which is normally received in the sacraments. This is why it’s a huge deal not to be able to receive the Eucharist.
Sally: But they don’t believe this or care about it. They’re not receiving Communion now anyway.
Joe: I realize that. But that’s like saying to the animals in chapter six of Genesis: “Since you don’t believe the ark will save you, go ahead and continue to be nice to other animals where you are.” Unicorns may have heeded that advice.
Sally: How does the Noah’s ark story relate to this?
Joe: As the Church fathers rightly understood, Noah’s Ark was a prefigurement of something greater that was to come: The Catholic Church is the Noah’s Ark of the New Covenant, ratified between God and man in Christ. If you’re not aboard the new Ark, no matter how ‘good’ you may be, you cannot save yourself. Likewise, you can’t create your own way to happiness and Heaven. Adam & Eve tried that and failed miserably. Securing a place on the new Ark begins with baptism, and at the age of reason continues with attending Mass every Sunday and going to Confession on a regular basis. Without this living foundation, we are not practicing Catholics and are not aboard the new Ark that is moving through the great deluge of our fallen world to the ‘land’ of eternal bliss.
Sally: This is too deep for me. Do you really think Wendy will take your absence as a good thing? She may despise you forever for this. And I don’t know if I blame her. This is a big day for her, for me, and for the whole family.
Joe: That’s the chance you take when you follow Christ, who is Truth and Goodness. If I attended, she would be supported by everyone she knows and would have nothing to challenge her decision. My absence might be the cause of much displaced anger now; but it may also be the only spark she has that could inspire her in the future to look past the shallow worldview she has been formed into. Furthermore, remember what Jesus said about choosing family before God: ”He who loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; and he who loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and he who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me” (Mt 10:37-39). I hope you will respect my conscience, and consider the words of God incarnate.
Sally: That part about her being malformed sounds like a slight against me. You don’t think I raised her right?
Joe: No one is raised perfectly. The greatest gift parents can give their children, by far, is God. That’s what we’re ultimately created for. That’s why we have a ‘God-shaped hole’ in our hearts that can be filled only by Him; nothing else. Not realizing this is why there is so much addiction, depression, and suicide in our time.
Sally: I’ve never given this that much thought.
Joe: And no one is blaming anyone here. The world is very strong in its influence with those of weaker faith. While Jesus wills all to be saved and come to knowledge of the truth (1 Tm 2:4), the “’god’ of this world” wants everyone to join him in Hell (2 Cor 4:4). This is a matter of offering solutions, not blaming people.
Sally: I understand where you’re coming from. I don’t know if I agree, at least not completely, but that might be due to my refusal to let go of my comfort zone. I need to think and pray more about all of this.
Joe: We all need to “let go and let God,” as they say. Discerning the difference between where in our minds and hearts have been formed by the world vs. where they’ve been formed by God is of paramount importance (Rom 12:2).
Sally: I’m sorry you’re not coming, but I’ll try to soften the blow a little for Wendy.
Joe: Please assure her I’ll always be there for her. I love my niece, and hope one day she’ll be able to see that my lack of attendance here is a clear example of this.